“You Are Useful Just by Being Here”: My Notes on The Courage to Be Disliked
- giuliagermanier
- Aug 5
- 4 min read
Every now and then, a book finds you at just the right time — not to give answers, but to gently reframe the questions you’ve been asking.
The Courage to Be Disliked, based on the ideas of Alfred Adler, did just that for me. Written as a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man, it explores what it means to live freely, take responsibility for your own happiness, and connect meaningfully with others — without being ruled by your past or others’ expectations.
As a psychologist, I found the book provocative, grounding, and surprisingly tender. Below are my distilled notes — not a summary, but the insights that stayed with me and continue to shape how I think about therapy, relationships, and meaning.
Your Past Doesn’t Matter — Only Your Meaning Does
Adlerian psychology flips much of traditional psychodynamic thinking on its head. Instead of asking, “What happened to you?”, it asks: “What purpose does this serve now?”
We are not determined by our experiences — we are shaped by the meaning we give them today.
Adler dismisses trauma as a defining factor. This doesn’t mean people haven’t suffered, but that healing comes from choosing a different narrative in the present.
Teleology (goal-oriented thinking) matters more than etiology (cause-based explanations). Why? Because focusing on the past keeps us stuck. Choosing purpose frees us.
Emotions Are Tools, Not Truths
A confronting idea: emotions are often created to achieve a goal — consciously or not.
Anger, anxiety, or shame may arise not from a stimulus, but from a decision to respond in a way that serves us (to control, to avoid, to connect).
This doesn’t invalidate emotions — it empowers us. We can feel without being ruled by our feelings.
“If you deny emotions, you deny humanity — but if you submit to them, you deny freedom.”
Real Freedom Is the Courage to Be Disliked
Freedom isn’t doing whatever you want. It’s living in alignment with your values, even if others don’t approve.
Most of us unconsciously seek approval. But true freedom means accepting that some people won’t like us — and being okay with that.
Living by impulse (or fear) isn’t freedom — it’s slavery. Living by principle, while respecting others, is.
“The courage to be happy is the courage to be disliked.”
All Problems Are Relationship Problems
This provocative claim may seem reductive — and it is, in many ways.
Adler believed that most emotional suffering stems from issues in interpersonal relationships — whether it’s fear of judgment, anxiety in social situations, or a sense of disconnection. Therapy, then, becomes about helping someone reconnect: with others, with themselves, and with the wider community.
👉 That said, I read this claim as a philosophical lens — not an absolute truth.
It’s important to acknowledge that many forms of suffering are not rooted in relationships: chronic illness, war, systemic injustice, and other external realities play a major role in people’s lives. This view doesn’t deny those — but it does offer a helpful frame for understanding the emotional layer of our experience, especially in the context of therapy.
The Separation of Tasks
One of the most useful concepts from the book is this: Whose task is it?
Your emotions, your goals, your choices — they’re yours.
Other people’s opinions, reactions, or disappointments — not your task.
This is liberating, but also hard: it requires letting go of control and people-pleasing.
“When you interfere, you rob others of growth. And when you live based on others’ expectations, you’re enslaved.”
Ditch the Praise — Choose Encouragement
Praise and criticism both create vertical relationships — someone on top, someone below.
Adler argues for horizontal relationships, based on mutual respect and equality.
Stop praising. Start encouraging.
Encouragement says: “I see you. You matter. You are enough — not for what you do, but because you are.”
This resonates deeply in both therapy and parenting — and in how we relate to ourselves.
The 3 Pillars of a Fulfilling Life
According to Adler, these three principles form the foundation of a good life:
Self-Acceptance – Embrace your imperfections and use what you have.
Confidence in Others – Trust people. Believing in others creates connection.
Contribution to Others – Not sacrifice, but meaningful participation. You matter because you give.
“You are useful just by being here.”
Community Feeling: Beyond the Ego
Adler calls this “Gemeinschaftsgefühl” — a sense of belonging to something greater than yourself.
When we narrow our focus to family, work, or romantic relationships, we become trapped.
Expand your perspective: What can I contribute to the larger world?
When we live with community feeling, we find meaning — and freedom.
Life Is Not a Line — It’s a Dance
Perhaps the most beautiful metaphor in the book is this:
“Life is not serious. It is something to dance through.”
We don’t need a grand life plan. We just need to live well now.
Every moment is a dot. You don’t need to know the destination to move with purpose.
Stop chasing — start dancing.
Final Thoughts
The Courage to Be Disliked isn’t about arrogance or isolation. It’s about choosing authenticity over approval, purpose over past, and contribution over control.
Its message to us — especially as therapists — is simple but not easy: You don’t need to be extraordinary. You just need to be fully yourself.
“If you change, the world changes.”And that’s enough.
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